We were walking down the road
Halloween at night
Rockin' plastic masks and L.A. Lights
We found a rundown house on the darker side of town

Some older kids were there and they were spinning yarns
About a bloodthirsty creature who had snakes for arms
He'd show you how you'll die if you said his name out loud

Well they promised us their whole candy haul
If we went inside and tried to find the truth of it all
Before you knew it, we were up the stairs
Breaking in a house on a double-dare
But we were not prepared for what we saw

His name is...

All Hallows Steve
And he comes on every Halloween
Whenever cocky little children need a fright
And he didn't have snakes for arms
But he had a terrifying charm
Cause he told us what it's like to be 35

We stood before him but we didn't trust our eyes
Trying to decide if we were traumatized
He rocked some cargo shorts and New Balance with high socks
Said, "Kids, when you get to be as old as me
Your ears'll get hairy and it's hard to pee.
I've had kidney stone that were bigger than an ox."

"You don't go out nearly as much as your back
And you're eating mostly vegetables
But you just stay this fat."
He went on and on for what felt like days
Then told a corny joke but didn't seem half-phased
When he was the only one that laughed

His name is...

All Hallows Steve
And he comes on every Halloween
He moves so slow it's like he's barely alive
We thought that we were running free
But now we just want to leave
But the front door slammed and we're stuck here for the night

Now the years have passed so I go back
The house looks empty but the door is cracked
I go in and hear a creak
Was that the floor or just my knees?
See a little kid and he's tracking mud
So I popped around the corner, shouted,
"Hey there bud!"
I smiled and I waved but this brat just points at me
And then he screamed

He screamed...

"It's All Hallows Steve"
I guess the torch has been passed to me
It's an honor that I feel I must uphold
Tuck my polo shirt into my jeans
Cause I know I'm about to make a scene
Cause there's nothing scarier than getting old

No, there's nothing scarier than getting old